s a p l i n g

s a p l i n g

After we had Aquila I had kind of made up my mind that I didn’t want to have any more babies. I am the type of person that lives her life based on gut feelings and instincts, and I never really “saw” myself with more than one child. I could visualise our life as a trio. I felt balanced as a family of three. It felt “right”. My heart was completely full to the brim with love for this little baby, I questioned whether I had any more space left beneath my ribs for another. Surely not? I just never saw another baby in those pictures of how I thought my life would be. I was fine with that. I was content.

Then there were other things like time, money, I worried that another baby might steer me away from my dreams and goals. My body was so dried up after growing and then breast feeding Aquila. Physically, baby growing takes a huge toll on my blood and bones. I was stick thin. A shell, physically and mentally. What would be left of me if I had another?

Call me selfish (society uses that word a lot to describe mothers who dream big) but I had so much I wanted to achieve, places to go, adventures to be had. How do you do that with a tribe of kids? I didn’t know anyone in real life who did it. And did it well. The Instagram account mums seemed to all have nannies and big wallets. That wasn’t our reality.

There were many late nights, tears, talking it out with my husband. I chewed at it.Folding and unfolding the guilt.

And then one day I became one of those statistics you read about. I had fallen pregnant on the pill. My reaction was, naturally, shock because what are the odds of falling pregnant on the pill with a 14 month old that still spent many nights starfished between her parents?? After the initial shock, the joy came and within hours I had bonded to this surprise little sapling living away inside me. 🌱

That little sapling baby never came to be.

And what I saw in my dreams, dissolved along with my unborn. And God it hurt.

After we lost our baby, after the ripping grief, I wanted to try again. I made peace with changing my mind. Because, that’s okay to do that.

And eventually, we got our little Hush.

Strange how life works.

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